my year in lists: super sparky deathcap september
notes on grief, must-reads, coffee & superman appearance?? (feat. examples of why I’m Cicero-coded actually (long sentences) (repeating a joke I made last time))
Watching the starlings as autumn draws in As they make ghosts across London fields And I would’ve moved out there to be with you I would’ve moved out there for real
Let’s get it out of the way, my obligatory song recommendation is September by Sparky Deathcap and I have a near obligatory impulse to mention that I did indeed like it way before it was cool.
September 27, 2023. 16.19 (the day I read texts from my aunt calling the crematorium)
The bench my sister broke the news to me, CA“Grim” was the word the doctor used to describe my father’s condition. It’s crazy to think that one minute I’m talking about who’s cute in our Chemistry class, hushed tones and all, about to drop the bomb that I, little Ms. “I’m not dating until college,” has a crush, the next? Leaving school early in my 2000s outfit for “Decades Day,” legally deciding not to resuscitate my dad should his heart stop beating.
Grief has made me even more painfully introspective than usual.
I’m brought back to summer 2021 where I would go out to the beach at 8pm every single night after work. Topically, I would put on Los Campesinos!’ The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future:
A good place to look to the future is When you are sat at the sea With the salt up to your ankles And a view of the end of the pier You may look down at your model's feet And wish that you'd just float away And the weather here is overcast And the sea is the same shade of gray So the landscape before you looks just like the edge of the world But to the left side and the right side Either way is a crazy golf course The sea is a good place to think of the future
September 25, 2023. 16.54. (journal entry on the first weekday)
The rocking chair I never sit on, CAI feel stupid. There’s this part of me that finds pain as a roadblock–it’ll only deter me from Plan Become A Culture Writer, Stanford It Up!1 This part thinks pain is embarrassing. Wouldn’t it be so easy to brush it off? Wouldn’t it be so cool and mysterious to nonchalantly bury it and burn the map?
Another part of me craves what the other calls “pity.” Understanding is what it means. This side wants people to speak softly, tell others to “be gentle, she’s going through a lot, her dad’s gone.” This side wants someone to hold.
More than anything, I think, I just want to be one part. Stone cold and unbothered or soft and damaged. I oscillate so nauseatingly between the two I feel stupid.
The main responses to conflict or danger are Fight, Flight, and Freeze. I think mine are similar, but more in line with Break Up or Break Down.
I either isolate myself (“break up” with friends, family) in an attempt to gain from loss. In full honesty an excerpt of this may end up in this month’s AuxComp recap. I pour myself into “self betterment” and work and the next possible career jump or opportunity. And I can’t stand to seem pathetic.
Or, I break down. More self explanatory. Everything crashes, I get injured in the fall. Very
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here
À la Taylor Swift. When I break down, I isolate myself and half purposefully distance myself from people. If only to see who reaches out, who notices I’ve been withdrawn. My grades skydive while I send pitiful emails in hopes for extensions.
READING RECOMMENDATIONS
Speaking of grief, whenever I find myself stumped, I always fall back on the classics. Literally. I unconsciously decided to reread Heroes of Olympus and Eros The Bittersweet. A new book I’ve added to my collection is Memorial: An Excavation of the Iliad by Alice Oswald. I mentioned it in my last post but it seems as poignant now as ever. A translation of the minor character deaths in Homer’s Iliad, Oswald allows the readers to truly bask in lament poetry. Through her extended (and often repeated) similes, she pulls readers into understanding.
ECHEPOLUS a perfect fighter Always ahead of his men Known for his cold seed-like concentration Moving out and out among the spears Died at the hands of Antilochus You can see the hole in the helmet just under the ridge Where the point of the blade passed through And stuck in his forehead Letting the darkness leak down over his eyes.
Women and girls aren’t safe in the apocalypse, Asisa Kadiri
If Asisa Kadiri has a million fans, I’m one of them. If Asisa Kadiri has one fan, I’m that one. If Asisa Kadiri has no fans, that means I’m dead. Not only does her writing carry so much depth and room for discussion (you guys should check out her chat!), but her topic choices are always, well, topical.
Speaking of topical, I had a lengthy conversation about the apocalypse on a recliner in Macy’s with one of my friends, so I’ll pass on a question I asked: where would you draw the line for an apocalypse? Four years ago, if you told me I would experience a world-wide pandemic where over 770,000,000 million people were infected and nearly 7 million people died—I would’ve told you that I would just kill myself to get over it. Now… who knows? How would you even define a zombie apocolypse?
Kadiri brings forth a conversation perhaps (definitely) more substantial than mine, and I’m sure she’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
Most of the time, we tend to discuss how we might re-organise infrastructure and everyday operations. But rarely discussed is what would likely be a drastic change in our interpersonal interactions and our navigation through varying social dynamics, which is actually far more pivotal in our prospects for survival. The way in which we interact with one another, when it comes to demonstrating basic levels of respect and a capacity for human decency, helps to dictate whether or not we’ll utilise the resources at our disposal to genuinely help and aid those around us, or whether we’ll choose to exploit others where possible because of our lacking in those former, yet crucial virtues.
A response to Adorno’s “The Cultural Industry” in relation to the fashion industry, Jelena Karanovic
A couple months ago when I first started getting into hardcore cultural criticism, I of course stumbled across Theodor Adorno. Which, in turn, led me to a ton of oddly underground cultural critics, including Jelena Karanovic. This was the first piece of hers that I ever read, and maybe it’s because my name comes from Tunisian fashion designer Azzedine Alaїa, but it resonated with me so much. I think Karanovic did an incredible job weaving together Adorno’s ideas with fashion consumerism in an easy way to understand.
Adorno would consider the “dominant class” as those working within Vogue. They dictate the consumer culture for everyone; it is them that create a lifestyle for the masses. Luxury brands like LVMH-Louis Vuitton Moet Hennssey-and the Gucci group own nearly every famous designer today. It is these businesses that control the designers, producing creative limitations on the artist, as these luxury brands are only interested by their profits. Therefore the designers as well as the consumers are puppets of these luxury brands. The fact that the industry can go as far as classifying people within society or telling them what to wear makes them more powerful then just a business. “The truth they are just business is made into an ideology in order to justify the rubbish they deliberately produce”(349). Adorno claims that an “omnipresent authority” has drawn up “an official catalogue” of commodities to “provide a smooth supply of available mass-produced lines” (360).
Belated Rantings About The Barbie Movie: Weird Anti-Intellectualism Around “Fun” Stuff, Erica Nicole
Echoing my comment on her piece, I adore how she broke down every point and counterpoint! The one I especially loved seeing her tackle was the “Barbie does not deserve your intersectional, college, feminist gender politics analysis” critique against people’s concerns.
It’s also worth mentioning that just because we don't necessarily “expect” more, doesn't mean we have to accept what we're given. We know that revolution happens on the ground and a Barbie movie sure as hell won't save us. But it's never about any one film, so much as it is the political mechanics that act as a litmus test for fascism. Just as Power is always managing our rage, it is also diligently monitoring our tolerance for (or awareness of) its subjugation. And if we no longer critique the bad political discourse of gigantic media products simply because we’re “used to it”, we've got much bigger problems.
i am a mess, rach
I think grieving always brings forth the deepness I’ve buried so many times previous. This piece is relatable for all facets of “when it gets bad again.”
Woah! A Vietnamese Frappuccino with Protein Recipe??
I didn’t expect this to become a thing now that I’ve conjured it up twice in a row but… I don’t mind and I hope you don’t either.
First, you start off by making cà phê sữa đá – or, Vietnamese iced coffee and condensed milk. Which is exactly what it sounds like. If you want to be authentic, you should definitely use Vietnamese coffee, but if you’re sensitive to caffeine like me3, I’m sure any would do. About a 1:1 ratio of coffee to condensed is perfect for me, but my sister recently commented that I would get my boba 115% sweetness if I could, so, adjust to your liking. Also I should mention that I have made this a grand total of two times, and for both I used a pre-made Viet coffee4 saurrr…
Anyway, from there you throw it in a blender, fill it with a ton of ice, and blend. But that’s kind of obvi. I would say the most important part is adding salt. You don’t have to add too much but you will immediately taste a difference. If you’re making anything sweet, salt is a must. And this counts for anything from cookies to bánh tiêu – trust. My mom forgot the salt once and I could tell. It suppresses any bitterness and enhances sweetness.
Lastly, add a couple scoops of protein powder (I’m not bothering with measurements, feel it out should you actually try this), and gasp! Suddenly this toothache inducing drink turns into a morning boost!
August 17, 2023. 16.26 (the day But I’m A Cheerleader vs. “Casual Representation” is due to be posted – I only have notes) Starbucks in a strip mall, CA
Grande iced chai latte with oat milk, in a venti cup, with extra vanilla cold foam to my left and AP European History textbook to my right (that I’m totally procrastinating, does anyone know how European politics would have changed if Pope Boniface VIII’s ideas had been accepted??), I find myself stumped.5
There are times where I feel so ahead of the curve and other times where I really wonder, for all I’m worth, will I ever make it? Most of the time I feel like Carrie Bradshaw smoking in front of a laptop, racking her brain while trying to keep up with her own lifestyle.
I think I wore my Superman sweater today not in a Clark Kent way, rather in a 1978 Lois Lane6 way, hoping her Pulitzer Prize winning prowess rubs off.
Unfortunately, I doubt I’ll get my big break from people watching.
MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS
John Redcorn, SiR
Latest R&B love!
Next of Kin, Alvvays
Alvvays just has that special way of transporting me to my first middle school crush who I’ve since reunited with. D, if you see this… you know what, you probably knew back then too.
give it back, Cӧ shu Nie
Speaking of getting transported (I’m so incredible at transitions, I know, give it back, also manages to pull me back to October 2022 when I was binging JJK for the first time. I won’t lie, I’m terrified to continue the second half of JJK’s season 2 anime, if only because I know what will happen.
Superstar (Taylor’s Version), Taylor Swift
I think I’m late to the Fearless appreciation train (though I do regard it, 1989, and folklore as Swift’s most impactful albums, not just because they all won AOTY btw), but the absolute bangers on it?? White Horse and Untouchable also have a special place in my heart.
夢灯籠 / Dream lantern, RADWIMPS
Wow. I guess we really are in a major nostalgia run. Your Name is one of my favorite movies and this opening song manages to pull all the emotions out for me. After I watched it, I recommend Your Name to nearly everyone to watch–you should too. It’s an absolutely gorgeous film that boggles your mind and manages to transcend time and reality ;)
That’s my bi-monthly recap for you! I feel like I always think this, but never say this because I don’t believe in myself, but: I’m going to try and post more! I saw a TikTok of a girl sharing her 2013 Tumblr blogging that led to her going to fashion week and I think it’s the consistency and passion behind it, really. I was so sure on making this a hard, sharp cultural criticism space that I really don’t think I allowed myself room for casualty.
But veering away from casualty for just a sec… I made a Muck Rack account so if anyone wants to pitch a teenage girl named after a fashion designer7, you know who to email.
If you enjoy my posts please subscribe for free and directly support me! Also, share with someone who greatly dislikes Pope Innocent VIII, a Squishmallow collector, or someone who’s been crushing on Percy Jackson since forever.
My friends and I have a joke that every single California high school “college conscious kid” wants to get into UC Berkeley, Stanford, sometimes a rare Caltech! (We’re not a super STEM school) But everyone has a “backup dream school.” A “I’ll definitely be happy, I expect this over UCLA” kinda UC. Personally, mine is UC Irvine. (I’ll still apply to Davis just for you G!!)
Yes, I wrote this whole thing down including the indent
I will have maybe 3oz of coffee, 5oz of condensed milk, and another 8oz of half & half and be dizzy out of my mind with Vietnamese coffee.
es, it was from Lee’s coffee. Yes, it appeared in my fridge yesterday. No, I don’t know from who. (Most likely culprit being my sister or perhaps my uncle who both stayed over…) Yes, I know I don’t have to hone in on the fact that I’m Vietnamese and from the Bay Area and you can tell, whatever whatever.
trangely enough, I bought the (over $6 ???) drink using a $10 gift card I won in Kahoot, sort of girl math if you think about it, going out of my way and wasting my time to sort of study, but at least I have something to sip!
I might as well have praised 1978 Superman to death last time, but I can’t stop thinking about it! There’s a reason my voicemail is: You’ve reached the phone of [Alaïa Soars], I’m either kicking journalism butt or studying to do so! Either way, leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Carpe to the Diem!
My friend was interviewing me for our school newspaper and I did bring this up as my qualifications for talking about consumer goods and fashion
Tasteful and thoughtful recommendations as always, and thanks so much for the mention of my Barbie piece!! (This is late I know, I tend to miss my subscription updates unless I’m in the app 🤦🏾♀️)
Thank you for this wonderful piece, I hope you're doing alright ❤️ The mention is greatly appreciated and thanks for sharing all these lovely media recs!